the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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