i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
