drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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