So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
