dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
