dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
