hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
