I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
