At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
