The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
