Sponge bath it is.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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