I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
