One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
