So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
