Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
