Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
