just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
