I want to have your abortion
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize