i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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