i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
