We won't sleep together?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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