Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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