Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
