I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
