I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
