nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
