I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
