your thong is hanging out like whoa
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
