I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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