I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
