How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
