rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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