his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
