I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
