You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
