why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
