You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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