dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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