Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
