i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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