Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
