i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
