The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
