You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
