It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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