i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
