There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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