Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
