my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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