i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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