Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
