it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
