i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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