Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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