I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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