She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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