jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize