I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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