the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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