chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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