Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
